The Girl I Used to Be

“I can’t stop or I’ll die. The reality is that I’m probably going to die anyway. And if that’s so, I’m going to go down fighting.” 

This quote provides early insight into both Olivia’s character and her state of mind. Placing her into this life-or-death situation before the narrative begins works in two ways: first, to raise the stakes of the story that is about to unfold; second, to introduce Olivia as a determined, capable young woman. 

“All my life, I’ve known what I am. The daughter of a victim and a killer. When I looked in the mirror, sometimes I thought I could see them both—the cowering and the rage. Part of my dad was in me, and that meant I could grow up to be like him. Every time I lost my temper, I felt it pulse deep inside. The knowledge that I could do something as crazy as he did, stab someone I was supposed to love and leave them with only the cold stars as witnesses.” 

Olivia’s self-concept is revealed as complex and heavily influenced by the murders. Here, Olivia identifies with her mother (the presumed victim) and her father (the presumed killer). Totally alienated from her family by the decisions of the foster system, Olivia has little more to go on than these two facts; naturally, she’s tried to incorporate both into her self-image. Knowing nothing more about her father than this accusation, she has nothing of him to seek in herself other than violence.

“Since I can’t afford to fix anything, I keep the stereo turned up and pretend I don’t hear bad noises.”

This seemingly superficial comment about Olivia’s car has deeper implications for human behavior. If we view this as a metaphor for life, we can identify a theme that will recur later in the novel: seeing or showing only what you want to. Olivia pretends she doesn’t hear the bad noises in her car much the same way that she pretends she doesn’t hear them in her life.