The First State of Being

Michael spends much of the book anxious and/or guilty about either perceived past offenses or looming disasters. Given the trauma of his mother’s sudden job loss when he was ill and his relative isolation when she is at work (as well as his past experiences with bullying), this is understandable. Michael’s way of managing his anxiety and guilt is his Y2K stash, a symbol representing the elusive hope that future disasters can be predicted and mitigated. For Michael, his stash represents a plan for an eventual disaster: if there are riots and the world falls to chaos, he will be prepared; he can protect his mother the way he couldn’t before when she lost her job. His prioritization of his mother reflects his guilt: He chooses peaches and gummy bears for his stash specifically because she likes them, rather than things he wants.

At the same time, when he is anxious about new, strange things, he circles back to Y2K, constantly begging Ridge to tell Michael about it “to prepare” and fixating on Ridge’s sumbook for answers. Ridge’s refusal to answer, even if well-intentioned, only fuels Michael’s anxiety and fixation. As a result, Michael adds more and more to his stash, going from canned foods to Beejee’s tools to Mr.