I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times

I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times (2022) is a work of nonfiction by Mónica Guzmán. Drawing from her personal experience as a liberal with conservative parents and her work with organizations dedicated to bridging political divisions, Guzmán presents a framework for authentic dialogue that emphasizes curiosity over confrontation when discussing divisive issues. She offers specific techniques for engaging with people who hold opposing viewpoints. She proposes that genuine inquiry and careful listening can create meaningful connections, even across seemingly insurmountable ideological gaps. Throughout the work, she challenges readers to move beyond their communication comfort zones.

This study guide uses the 2022 BenBella Books eBook edition.

Summary

In I Never Thought of It That Way, Guzmán explores the challenge of political polarization through the lens of her own experience as a liberal journalist raised by conservative, Mexican immigrant parents. The book opens with a pivotal scene on Election Day 2020, in which Guzmán watched the results with her Trump-supporting parents. Her father voiced his fear that political differences might prevent him from seeing his grandchildren, prompting Guzmán to reflect on how families and communities can maintain connections despite deep ideological divisions.

Drawing from both personal experience and extensive research, Guzmán identifies three fundamental patterns that create and reinforce social division. First, “sorting” describes how people naturally gravitate toward those who share their characteristics and beliefs. This tendency has intensified dramatically since the 1970s. Social media algorithms and geographic clustering further amplify this effect, creating increasingly homogeneous communities. Second, “othering” involves the psychological distancing and disparagement of those who differ from us. Third, “siloing” refers to the creation of isolated information environments that reinforce existing beliefs.

The book emphasizes the key role of curiosity in bridging political divides. Guzmán presents a four-step framework developed from her 15 years of journalism experience: Finding knowledge gaps; collecting foundational information; rejecting oversimplified answers; and embracing complexity. She illustrates this approach through her work at The Evergrey, a Seattle newsletter she co-founded, where community questions about local issues demonstrated how intermediate knowledge creates optimal conditions for curiosity. The author also draws on research from Columbia University’s Difficult Conversations Lab, showing how exposure to nuanced perspectives enhances dialogue quality.

Guzmán demonstrates the power of questioning assumptions through events like “Melting Mountains,” which brought together residents from King County, Washington (74% Clinton voters) and Sherman County, Oregon (74% Trump voters). During this gathering, participants discovered that their assumptions about each other’s motivations were often incorrect. For instance, liberal participant Laura Caspi arrived questioning her assumption that Trump voters must be “bad people,” and left understanding how economic factors—such as agricultural regulations and healthcare costs— influenced their voting decisions.

The author explores how personal experiences and value hierarchies shape political beliefs, using Shalom Schwartz’s theory of basic human values to explain political differences. Rather than stemming from a lack of shared values, Guzmán argues that political divisions often result from different prioritizations of values like security, tradition, and universalism. She illustrates this through her father’s support for Trump, which stemmed from his experiences immigrating legally and his belief in following established rules.

Throughout the book, Guzmán provides practical strategies for productive dialogue across divides. She introduces the “CARE” framework for asking questions (Curious, Answerable, Raw, and Exploring) and emphasizes the importance of “showing your work” by revealing thought processes openly. The author shares examples of perspective shifts, including her mother’s evolution on same-sex marriage after witnessing two men sharing an affectionate moment in Boston. She demonstrates how personal experiences can transform deeply held beliefs more effectively than logical arguments.

The narrative weaves together various workshops and initiatives, including Guzmán’s work with Braver Angels, an organization dedicated to reducing political polarization. During a 2020 debate about COVID-19 restrictions, she observed how structured conversations encouraging personal experience-sharing rather than abstract argumentation led to deeper understanding. The book also examines how digital communication affects dialogue, with Guzmán noting how online interactions often strip away human elements that facilitate understanding.

The work concludes with reflections on the Spanish concept of “convivir” (living together), suggesting that genuine understanding requires more than mere coexistence. Guzmán argues that current social divisions, while challenging, create opportunities for developing new approaches to cross-community dialogue. She emphasizes that the goal isn’t to eliminate disagreement, but to maintain connections while better understanding different perspectives, illustrated through her own journey of maintaining close relationships with her parents despite their political differences.

Guzmán thus provides both a theoretical framework and practical techniques for navigating political differences in an increasingly divided society. Her approach acknowledges the difficulty of bridging ideological divides, while offering hope and concrete strategies for those willing to engage in the challenging work of cross-political dialogue. She ultimately argues that understanding across differences is both possible and necessary for a democratic society’s survival.